Posts tagged Christmas

Ode to the male shopper

A last-minute buyer's cautionary tale

Evander Kane.
Dustin Byfuglien.
Dustin Byfuglien. (CP)
Jim Slater
Jim Slater (CP)
Evander Kane.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the mall
Not a woman was shopping, not a single one at all
The stores were jam-packed as far as you could see
With desperate male shoppers, bozos like me
The women were home wrapping, with ribbons and glue
They'd finished their shopping back in 2002

Us guys? We're just starting, to that I can vouch
We spent December napping, curled up on the couch
Now sweating profusely, with eyes all ablaze
We hunt for presents, manly zombies in a daze
Our wallets are stuffed, our credit cards ready
We'll buy almost anything: a bathrobe, a teddy

We do the same stupid thing, year after year
Put off all our shopping to eat snacks and drink beer
So now in a panic, we root through the stores
At the lingerie shops, we peer through the doors
We're afraid of lacy things, so we gaze from afar
Heck, it took us six hours to park the (bad word) car

We can't find a clerk, and they all seem so lazy
Listening to carols for months has driven them crazy
Our kids and our wives, they deserve so much better
Than bargain-bin toys, or a holiday sweater
See that jerk over there, the one crying by the door
He's clearly gone mad, he's shopped here before

But I won't give up, I'll browse till I die
My family will disown me if the perfect gift I don't buy
The kids want junk I wouldn't touch with a broom
Like, Alien Death Star or Zombie Killers of Doom
My wife isn't that fussy, it shows in her eyes
But I have no clue what she likes, or if it comes in her size

Time is running out, there are decisions to make
God help me if I repeat last year's shopping mistake
I thought it was brilliant, what I put 'neath the tree
It was the sort of present I wish she'd given to me
But apparently women do not get a big thrill
From a power tool set with a quarter-inch drill

So us guys trudge along at a very slow trot
Would our spouses be happy with Belgian chocolate?
As time ticks away, we start to grow frantic
What kind of (bad word) present makes a woman romantic?
A toaster? An iron? Some six-inch high heels?
Forgive us, we're guys, we're just spinning our wheels

What's that over there? It looks shiny and neat
That other guy wants it! His face I will beat
My Christmas spirit is really starting to sag
I haven't bought one thing; there's zip in my bag
Every guy in this mall is jacked on caffeine
We're edgy, we're angry, we're desperate and mean!

Dear Santa, please help me, I need a stiff drink
How do you do it? What's the name of your shrink?
Take a look in my eyes: They're lifeless and cold
Like a creepy Barbie doll (the last one's already sold)
We just need to buy something, we'll cough up the cash
Then out of this mall we'll (very bad word) dash

Hold on, what's that sound? I see a long line
In front of the Jets store; I pray I'm in time
My kids and my wife would love Dear Old Dad
If on Christmas Day in Jets gear they were officially clad
So I fight my way through, my elbows are high
A licensed Jets jersey I (more bad words) must buy

I think of the players, then call out their names:
"Bring me Slater and Byfuglien, and don't forget Kane!"
The hollow-eyed clerk forks over the gear
I've just paid a king's ransom for an NHL souvenir
But none of this matters; to home I must go
Sure, my gifts aren't original; I just went with the flow

But none of that matters, because I have to go far
Too bad I don't know where I parked the damn car
Still, I speak for all guys, the big and the small
We're just happy it's over; we're fleeing the mall
And you'll hear us exclaim, as we drive out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, this last line don't rhyme!"

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition December 23, 2011 A4
Stuff Your Stockings!

See the complete list of participants and prizes here

Welcome to the Stuff Your Stockings Blog Tour! To welcome you here to my site I thought I would give you the Top Ten Reasons a Christmas Tree is Better Than a Man:

  1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
  2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
  3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
  4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on.
  5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
  6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
  7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
  8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its 'sell by' date.
  9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
Okay I'm totally kidding with this list -  I love men! There's no way a tree is really better than a man!

Here's a little excerpt from my Christmas novella, All I Want For Christmas, which I'm giving away a copy of, and a $10 gift card for winner's choice of Amazon, B&&N or Ellora's Cave! Leave a comment and I'll draw one random winner.


Wow. Ladies’ bathrooms were really nice. She turned him and pushed him down to sit on the chair with the red velvet seat. He could just stare at her as she hiked her snug skirt up over her thighs so she could straddle his lap.
Holy shit. All the blood in his veins immediately rushed to his dick, which hardened painfully and made him dizzy. “Erin…” he croaked.
She laid her hands on his shoulders and leaned in to kiss him, a luscious, soft, lingering kiss. He held her waist and kissed her back, helpless to resist. Her lips were velvety and warm and, when she opened her mouth over his and touched her tongue to his lips, his head started spinning.
He slid a hand up her back, over the smooth bare skin above the strapless dress and into her long silky hair to hold her head. He tilted her head for a better angle and deepened the kiss. On and on it went, deep, open-mouthed, devouring, something he’d wanted to do for months. Heat exploded inside him. God, she was sweet and delicious and better than every fantasy he’d had about her over the last months.
“Erin,” he groaned. Her small hands clamped onto his shoulders through the suit jacket, and she squirmed on his lap to get nearer. “God, Erin.” Then her hands were in his hair, gripping and tugging. Jesus, she was hot, as hot and needy as he was.
He moved the hand on her waist down so he could slide it along the silky skin of her thigh, and she moaned into his mouth. He was throbbing everywhere, insanely turned on by this outrageous conduct, even more aroused by the knowledge that all their co-workers were just feet away merrily partying.
She wriggled closer to him, and he could feel the damp heat of her panties against his crotch. Then she bit his lip, just hard enough to make him jump. “Sorry,” she whispered, and licked his bottom lip. Then she kissed him again. My God, she was going to kill him. Lust rose in him like a tidal wave, threatened to sweep them both away, and he ate at her mouth hungrily, fiercely.
She sat up and arched her back in invitation, her breasts so close to his face. He hesitated only a nanosecond before reaching for the back of her dress.
“The zipper’s at the side,” she murmured, and lifted her left arm. He found the tiny tab and yanked it down, loosening the snug bodice, then tugged it down to her waist. God in heaven, her breasts were a work of art. High, round, just full enough, with tight dark nipples that begged to be sucked. His mouth actually watered as he looked down at her in awe, hungry to taste and lick and suck.
“Beautiful, Erin,” he muttered and, closing his eyes, he bent to taste her. He took the tip of one breast into his mouth, and she was sweet against his tongue. She quivered, arching her back even more, head falling back so her long hair was on his knees. He fisted one hand in that hair and tugged hard, tugged her back even farther, and he covered her chest with kisses, returning to the other hard little nipple to tug and suck.
“Dex, oh, God,” she cried out softly.
“Shh,” he whispered. “We have to be quiet.”
“Yes, yes, quiet,” she babbled mindlessly. Then she let out a long moan as he sucked hard on the budded tip of her breast. Her pelvis pressed against his hard-on, and he pushed her thighs farther apart to allow her closer. Rocking against him, she was clearly seeking satisfaction.
Meanwhile he was going to get his satisfaction way to soon if she kept moving against him like that. “Hold on, gorgeous,” he whispered and shoved his hand inside the black lace panties she wore. His fingers found her wet and hot and slick, and he stroked through her creases, as low as he could go in the position they were in, finding the entrance to her tight sheath, then back up over the swollen button of her clitoris. She jerked on his lap when he touched her there, bit her lip, eyes closed.
“Is that good?” he asked softly, stroking her there.
“Yes,” she sighed. “So good.”
He felt the tension building in her body, her thighs quivering, muscles tightening, and then they both heard the door to the ladies’ room open. High-pitched voices chattered as two—or was it three?—women came in.
            Erin and Dex tensed and leaned their foreheads together, panting, trying not to make a sound. Erin didn’t recognize the voices. Damn! She’d been so close! 

All I Want For Christmas is available at Amazon B&N Apple iBooks Kobo
All I Want For Christmas... a fun, sexy little read, perfect for the holidays. We've all felt that pressure to make the season perfect, with perfect parties, perfect gifts and perfect decorations. When things don't go perfectly, it can seem like Christmas is ruined. But sometimes when things go wrong, it helps us see what's really important about the season.

If you bought my book All I Want For Christmas when it was previously published, this is the same book re-released with a new cover. But if you haven't read it, this is a good time to pick it up since it's only .99.

It's available at Amazon, B&N, Smashwords


Perfectionist Erin Nordman usually loves Christmas, but this year things aren't going quite as planned. Lost gifts, too much work to do and organizing the office Christmas party are stressing her out. When Dex Mitchell comes by, the gorgeous Director of Finance who she's had a crush on forever, she turns into a stammering klutz.What else could go wrong this Christmas?

How about too much to drink at the Christmas party, a sexy encounter in the ladies' room and an embarrassed hangover the next day? Can anything turn this around so Erin gets what she really wants for Christmas?

All I Want For Christmas....
Well it's almost Christmas and it's time to pull out the only Christmas story I've ever written:  All I Want For Christmas

Fallen Angel Reviews gave All I Want For Christmas 4 Angels:

"I loved this little read, and Ms. Jamieson's cast of characters added to this lovely little tale of love. All I Want For Christmas reminds us that Christmas really does have miracles."
Reviewed by: Rachel C.

Here's a little excerpt:

Erin was just popping more painkillers into her mouth when she looked up into the amused eyes of Dex Mitchell. Again. “So, anyone here that can help me out now?” he asked, eyes glinting.

She almost choked on the pills and took a big gulp of water, which of course dribbled down her chin and onto her silk blouse. She wiped ineffectually at it as she felt her cheeks grow hot and no doubt red. “Jason is back from lunch,” she told Dex, swiping at her boobs. “He does the payroll. He’s just around the corner.” She flashed a smile that she hoped looked helpful and confident, praying that Jason wasn’t sitting there with his feet on his desk eating chocolates and wearing the plush Santa hat he’d had on earlier.

She heard Dex go around the corner and start conversing with Jason in a low voice, and she slumped back in her chair. Why, why, why did he always have to catch her at her worst?

She was scrawling her signature across some vendor invoices a few moments later when Dex returned.

She looked up at him inquiringly.

“I hear you’re in charge of the party tomorrow night,” he remarked.

“Yes.” She was almost reluctant to admit it. What if the whole party bombed? It would be all her fault. No, it was not going to bomb. She’d checked and rechecked every detail with her usual thoroughness (or was it paranoia?). “Did you have a last‐minute addition to the guest list?”

He shook his head, a smile touching his mouth. “No. I’ll be there, but I’m coming alone. I just wondered if you’d arranged for taxi service to take people home.”

“Of course!” The company provided taxi vouchers for anyone who wanted them to make sure that nobody drove home after drinking.

“Perfect. Don’t want any unfortunate incidents at the holiday party.”

Erin shook her head. “No, of course not.”

At that moment, Erin’s phone rang. She grabbed for the receiver.

“Good afternoon, Human Resources, Erin speaking, can I have you?”

There was silence at the other end of the line, and Erin closed her eyes rather than face Dex. “I mean, can I help you?” she gasped.

A laugh came over the line. “You can have me any time, honey. My wife might not like it, though. It’s Carl in Research.”

“Hi, Carl.” Her cheeks burned.

“Just a quick question about the party…”

She dealt with his question then hung up and looked at Dex, still standing there, looking very amused.

“So, I guess I’ll see you at the party then,” he said.

She stared at him. Why was he making small talk with her? She smiled brightly. “Absolutely. I’ll be there. I’m going alone, too.”

Shit. Why had she said that? It sounded so lame. She turned back to her work again with flaming cheeks and bent her head.

“Hey!” Kayla whispered seconds later. “What did Dex Mitchell want? I saw him talking to you!”

Kayla was the only other person who knew Erin thought Dex Mitchell was a hottie. She looked up at her friend and grinned.

“He came to talk to Jason about some payroll stuff, and then he was asking me about the party.”


“He told me he’s going alone to the party.”

“He told you that? Just out of the blue?” Kayla’s brows rose almost into her hair. “Hmm.”